Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Darth Vader. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A man connected with the number 59 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Something about the number 93 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 5 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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