Monday, July 15, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Thursday night you will dream of being Harry Houdini. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A man connected with the number 61 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

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