Monday, July 22, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Friday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. The number 79 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A pretty young woman connected to the number 18 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 58 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

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