Sunday, July 7, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 29. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Ronald Regan then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something about the number 97 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. In a parallel universe you were born as Louis Pasteur. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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