Sunday, July 28, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Dr. Seuss, You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 57 feet, but no more than a mile. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

In a parallel universe you were born as James Dean. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Thursday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Avoid the number 13 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a long as I pass out the other end". This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something about the number 25 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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