Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th April 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Oprah Winfrey, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. On Monday night you will dream of being Beethoven. You won't know why until the following Tuesday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like James Dean then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Yogi Berra at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as Steve Martin. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The number 8 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Rick Perry a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.