Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th April 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Aristotle and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
On Saturday, the number 72 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. The number 41 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A pretty young woman connected to the number 25 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Pelé at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.