Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th April 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A man connected with the number 66 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear pink on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Look yourself in the mirror on Monday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. The number 23 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.