Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not James Taylor at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Augustus Caesar, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Martin Luther King. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.