Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Valerie Harper, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jane Austen, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 25, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 29 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.