If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? On Monday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Elizabeth Dole driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Friday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Pelé, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Ben Franklin, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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