Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th June 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The color black will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 1, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.