Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th June 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Neil Diamond, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Tuesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.