Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd June 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something about the number 98 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Take extra special care on Tuesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 83 feet, but no more than a mile. A man connected with the number 70 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.