Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Saturday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 67 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A man connected with the number 83 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Miles Davis at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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