Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th April 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 91 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. The number 79 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.