Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th April 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Hook up with an Octopus on Sunday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.