Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th April 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Mary Tyler Moore will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. On Sunday, the number 28 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.