Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st January 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 99 feet, but no more than a mile. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Sunday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th December 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 86 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as F Lee Bailey. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Sunday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th December 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th December 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 3 feet, but no more than a mile. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Monroe, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

On Monday, the number 22 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 14 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Ray Charles a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th December 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Herman Cain. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The number 10 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Steve Martin, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th November 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Ray Charles driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Paul McCartney, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A pretty young woman connected to the number 58 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Dan Rather in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Neil Diamond, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Miles Davis. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th November 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Something about the number 52 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charles Yeager. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 96 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Robin Williams will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you see anybody this week who looks like Vincent Van Gogh, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th November 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Danny Glover will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The number 74 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Roy Rogers, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th October 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Sigourney Weaver in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Should you wear blue on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th October 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 47, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Ernest Hemingway will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd October 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 94. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. On Thursday night you will dream of being Helen Keller. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th October 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 15 feet, but no more than a mile. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th October 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Avoid the number 79 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Miley Cyrus then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd October 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th September 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. The number 86 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

The number 20 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 14 feet, but no more than a mile. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th September

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. On Thursday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 34 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Thursday, the color black, the number 83 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Take extra special care on Monday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th September 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 66 feet, but no more than a mile. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Monday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

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