Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th December 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 73. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Danny Glover and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. On Sunday night you will dream of being Sean Connery. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Look yourself in the mirror on Tuesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th December 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michael Jackson driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like General Norman Schwarzkopf. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. The number 4 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Should you wear red on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd December 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Saturday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Fred Astaire, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 18 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you see anybody this week who looks like Herman Cain, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th November 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 65 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Sunday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th November 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 80, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th November 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr., then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th November 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michelangelo driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. On Friday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Charlie Brown and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You will go to an auction on Friday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet David Beckham and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Andy Rooney driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 26, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing white. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Tuesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th October 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Pelé in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You are not Neil Armstrong, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. In a parallel universe you were born as Pelé. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th September 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. The number 80 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Meryl Streep and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). The color yellow will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 22, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd September 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Michael Jackson. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something about the number 82 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Arthur Ashe a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th September 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Magic Johnson and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 13, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Miley Cyrus will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th September 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 12 feet, but no more than a mile. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd September 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Newt Gingrich driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 9, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

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