Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Martin Luther King, This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Ross Perot will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you wear orange on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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