In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Yogi Berra driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 23 feet, but no more than a mile. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Arthur Ashe and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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