Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 79 feet, but no more than a mile. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Beethoven, Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
On Friday, the number 5 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something about the number 54 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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