Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 49 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 47 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Eddie Murphy a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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