Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You have dandruff, do something about it! You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid the number 11 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th October 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Danny Glover then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 0 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.