A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Martin Luther King, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Thursday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. In a parallel universe you were born as Spider Man. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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