Sunday, May 10, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th May 2009

December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

February 20th - March 9th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

March 10th - May 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

May 2nd - June 2nd

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.

June 3rd - July 25th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record will be rejected. Hanging out with a Scallop on Friday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

July 27th - August 19th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Take extra special care on Friday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

August 20th - October 1st

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

October 1st - October 29th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

October 30th - December 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

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