Sunday, May 17, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th May 2009

December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 98. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

March 10th - May 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be hearbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 74 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

July 27th - August 19th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

August 20th - October 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The number 10 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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