Horoscopes for week beginning 22nd September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right?

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'.

The Slug
July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Food may be important for you this week.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week.