Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th July 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Willey Mays. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Elizabeth Dole, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A man connected with the number 57 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Avoid the number 68 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th July 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A man connected with the number 8 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You will go to an auction on Thursday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th July 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 94 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 23, the color white and someone who has a connection to W.C.Fields will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The number 93 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You have a gift, a gift for predicting the outcomes of sporting events. This gift might make you very popular in certain parts of Europe so maybe a holiday to Spain is in order?

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A man connected with the number 30 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th July 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The number 60 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as Eddie Murphy. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.