Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Dr. Seuss. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 60. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Spider Man at all.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.