Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd March 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Augustus Caesar, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will bump into a Mussel on Thursday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid the number 98 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Something about the number 73 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. On Tuesday, the color green, the number 67 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The number 73 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not General Norman Schwarzkopf at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Fred Astaire a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.