Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th March 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You are not Dick Van Dyke, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something about the number 25 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.