Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st March 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Aristotle, Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Wednesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something about the number 47 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Sunday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The number 12 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.