The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Lewis Carrol, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You are not Henri Mancini, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Mother Teresa, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug
July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 64 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Something about the number 21 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd August 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The number 86 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Saturday, the color orange, the number 31 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Lewis Carrol. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Carol Burnett a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The number 86 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Saturday, the color orange, the number 31 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Lewis Carrol. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Carol Burnett a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Monday, August 15, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th August 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Eisenhower and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 11 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Eisenhower and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 11 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th August 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If you see anybody this week who looks like Alicia Silverstone, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Dan Aykroyd, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 28 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If you see anybody this week who looks like Alicia Silverstone, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Dan Aykroyd, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 28 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th August 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If you see anybody this week who looks like Alicia Silverstone, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Dan Aykroyd, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 28 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If you see anybody this week who looks like Alicia Silverstone, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Dan Aykroyd, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 28 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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