Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th December 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 74 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A man connected with the number 42 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Take extra special care on Friday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.