A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Danny Glover then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 0 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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