Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th June 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and *then* go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 8. Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Bless your barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.