The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
The number 16 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 28 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Gandhi, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug
July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Plato driving a yellow car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th July 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The number 25 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Eisenhower. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The number 25 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Eisenhower. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th July 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Saturday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A man connected with the number 21 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Monday, the color white, the number 31 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Nathaniel Hawthorne, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Peter Jennings, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Wednesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Saturday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A man connected with the number 21 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Monday, the color white, the number 31 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Nathaniel Hawthorne, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Peter Jennings, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Wednesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th July 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Madonna in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Madonna in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th July 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Madonna in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Madonna in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th July 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Madonna in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Madonna in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Monday, July 4, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th July 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 39, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Sigourney Weaver will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You are not Harrison Ford, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Mitt Romney. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you wear red on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Fred Astaire, This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Alicia Silverstone then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Hank Aaron at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 56. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A man connected with the number 86 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 39, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Sigourney Weaver will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You are not Harrison Ford, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Mitt Romney. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you wear red on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Fred Astaire, This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Alicia Silverstone then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Hank Aaron at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 56. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A man connected with the number 86 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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