Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Monday night you will dream of being Ben Franklin. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.