Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charlie Brown. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.