Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid the number 3 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 68. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
The number 65 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Tuesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 24, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Sunday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 71 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.