Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear orange on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Thursday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.