Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th December 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 80 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Aristotle, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th December 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Lewis Carrol. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Isaac Newton and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 88. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th December 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Elvis Presley, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The number 37 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. On Sunday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th December 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A man connected with the number 12 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Avoid the number 81 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something about the number 96 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Augustus Caesar a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 99, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Thomas Edison will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Albert Einstein, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Should you wear white on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 81, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Gloria Steinem will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Norman Rockwell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michelle Bachman, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. On Monday, the color purple, the number 67 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 41, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 15. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Peyton Manning, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Peter Jennings, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Avoid the number 60 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Elizabeth Dole, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th October 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a parallel universe you were born as Oprah Winfrey. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. On Friday night you will dream of being Paul Newman. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th October 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Albert Einstein, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Spider Man, You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th October 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Gloria Steinem then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 60 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th October 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something about the number 92 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

The number 19 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 73 feet, but no more than a mile. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Arthur Ashe, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Henry A. Kissinger, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Mary Tyler Moore. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Colin L. Powell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. In a parallel universe you were born as Thomas Edison. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like General Norman Schwarzkopf, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The number 21 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Mahatma Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Jesse Jackson a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Should you wear pink on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.