Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 83 feet, but no more than a mile. Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Robin Williams and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like John Candy, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid the number 72 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A pretty young woman connected to the number 40 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like George Carlin. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. In a parallel universe you were born as Benny Goodman. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. On Monday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 41, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Alexander Graham Bell will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. The number 18 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. On Monday, the number 19 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something about the number 46 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Louis Pasteur, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th November 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you see anybody this week who looks like Oprah Winfrey, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th November 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 44 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. In a parallel universe you were born as Charlie Brown. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not William Shakespeare, Something about the number 83 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You are not Elizabeth Taylor, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like John Katz. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 78. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Lucille Ball in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like James Dean then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th November 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 5 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something about the number 22 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Wednesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Mahatma Gandhi, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th October 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 44, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th October 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. The number 28 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 32 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Jim Carrey, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st October 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Something about the number 39 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 95, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! On Sunday, the color black, the number 55 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Chuck Yeager and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Beethoven, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 41, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. On Saturday, the number 1 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color green. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. On Thursday night you will dream of being Michael Landon. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. A man connected with the number 56 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.