Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 84 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Friday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You have dandruff, do something about it! If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 27. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You know a clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Hook up with an octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid the number 30 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. The number 77 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Beware the old saying: 'a squid in need is a squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think out of the box. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, speak to your doctor for advice. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Thursday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Meet up with an oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Hook up with an octopus on Monday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Go easy on the chili sauce this weak.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 18 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 27 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You know a clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 95 feet, but no more than a mile. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarterpounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A man connected with the number 14 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 63 feet, but no more than a mile. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 15 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A squid in need is a squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The number 87 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Avoid the kung po chicken.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Also, try to avoid even numbers this Tuesday if possible as they will only bring you trouble.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Dietary choices may be important on Friday. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week.

The Slug
July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice.

The Slug
July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 93.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people.

Horoscopes for week beginning 6th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 93.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again.

The Slug
July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook.

We are all mollusks now

A number of readers have written to me to point out something that - on the face of it - appears as a gross factual error in the Molluskan Zodiac. Namely, that the Barnacle is not actually a mollusk at all. Now, I fully appreciate that in todays enlightened world of scientific discovery, we have seen great advances in our understanding of the fields of taxonomy and systematics. These disciplines have undergone a revolution due to the development of molecular phylogenetic techniques, and we can now describe with much greater certainty the relationships and kinship of any set of species that you might wish to compare.

And so I do accept that from a certain viewpoint, it is true that the Barnacle is not a mollusk at all and is perhaps more suitably classified as a crustacean. However, I feel safe in proclaiming that while some people of a scientific persuasion might wish to use such classification systems in order to label our beloved Barnacles as crustaceans, that this is a side-issue and of no relevance to the Molluskan Zodiac. Take a second to realize that our present-day understanding of molluskan divination has been distilled from many centuries of nautical folk-lore, from sailors swapping tales over a shot of rum, from fishing families that passed on the knowledge that had often helped them to a bountiful harvest. Did the founding fathers of the Molluskan Zodiac have access to DNA sequencing technology? Did they have access to such learned materials as the Journal of Molluskan Studies? The answer to these questions is clearly 'no'. The reality is that throughout history, sailors, fishermen, and other sea-goers would have seen the shelled form of the blessed Barnacle and assumed that - on the basis of morphology - this humble, yet proud creature is for all intents and purposes...a mollusk.

When the rain is lashing down amid stormy seas, let us not debate whether small-subunit rRNA sequencing places the Barnacle apart from other mollusks on nature's grand ladder. Let us not see the Barnacle as black and the Oyster as white. Instead let us see the shelled inhabitants of the seas as a broad canvas painted in many shades of grey. It may be true that had our forefathers had access to advanced phylogenetic techniques, that we may now be talking today about the fate and fortunes of the abalone or the cockle instead of the humble Barnacle. What is important, and what will remain important is that the stoic Barnacle is here to stay and will forever guide the lives of those people born between December 2nd and February 19th. Finally, let me refer people to some text from a 'lost verse' of Coleridge's famous poem Rime of the ancient mariner that makes it clear what many us already know in our hearts to be true:

When the sails are rent asunder

As Poseidon waits for thee

Do not talk down apon yonder Barnacle

For we are all mollusks now

Horoscopes for week beginning 29th September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Also, take note of the old saying 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. These words will be important this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think out of the box. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do?

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye.

The Slug
July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out.

Horoscopes for week beginning 22nd September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right?

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'.

The Slug
July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Food may be important for you this week.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week.

Horoscopes for week beginning 15th September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Laughter will fill the air on Thursday. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Dietary choices will be important for you. Consider avoiding foods from France, Jamaica or Burkina Faso. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? On Tuesday, there may be an opportunity to do just that. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Walk briskly on Wednesday, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness.

Horoscopes for week beginning 8th September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 200 feet, but no more than a mile. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Also, allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enrol in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Dietrary choices may be important in the coming days. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Also, think of all the great things that might happen to you. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.

The Slug
July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will be a big issue this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do?

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

Slow in both body and mind; snails are loyal yet stupid, giving yet selfish. Snails do not get on with barnacles, limpets, clams, or squids, and at best, only ever tolerate slugs.

Likes: taking things easy

Dislikes: amusement rides

Lucky numbers: 0, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, and 21

Unlucky numbers: 4, 6, 7, 9–12, and 14—20

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

Unlucky in life. Unlucky in love. Mussels try hard but often fail. They know the price of everything but the value of nothing. They are, however, great lovers and also have a great sense of punctuality.

Likes: being on time

Dislikes: being late

Lucky number: 1.6180339887

Unlucky number: 0.5772156649

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

The wisest of all mollusks. Famed for their abilities to deceive and for their skills in map-reading. Always treat an octopus with a mixture of respect, fear, indifference, and loathing.

Likes: everything and nothing

Dislikes: vulgarity and profanity

Lucky numbers: 38°32, and 121°44

Unlucky numbers: 53°33, and 1°28

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

Honest, trustworthy, and dependable, scallops are therefore the most boring of all the mollusks. They have an irrational hatred of clams and are are also known for their varied love-making techniques.

Likes: getting it on

Dislikes: spicy food

Lucky number: 69

Unlucky number: 70%

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

The most prized of all the mollusks. Oysters exude charm, confidence and charisma, and are successful at everything they do. They therefore are also the most hated of all the mollusks.

Likes: being noticed

Dislikes: monogamy

Lucky number: -1

Unlucky number:

The Slug

July 26th

Davy Jones was said to have been born on this day and therefore slugs are deemed to be the most ill-fated mollusk of all. Doomed to live a lonely life, slugs will heap misery and suffering on others.

Likes: not being spat at

Dislikes: salt

Lucky number: 666

Unlucky numbers: Anything except 666

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

Cunning and shrewd, mysterious and demanding, squids both confound and perplex those who meet them. As the old naval saying goes "the only squid I'll trust is one that doesn't trust me".

Lucky numbers: 5, 27, 132.3, and ∞

Unlucky number: 10¹⁰⁰

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

Silent and stoical, clams are dependable, reliable and discrete. They are best matched to the octopus and the squid, but will never say a bad word about any other mollusk.

Likes: keeping secrets

Dislikes: gossip

Lucky numbers: Anything apart from 42

Unlucky number: 42

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

Limpets are - pound for pound - the mightiest of all the mollusks. If you are ever in a bar-room brawl, you'll be glad to have a limpet at your side. Conversely, limpets are great lovers of poetry and the arts.

Likes: being the center of it all

Dislikes: political intolerance

Lucky number: 2.718

Unlucky number: 2.503

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

Barnacles are friendly people who form attachments very easily. A friend who is a barnacle is a friend for life. They are also known for being very amorous yet slightly stubborn.

Likes: long-term relationships

Dislikes: rejection

Lucky numbers: 7, 77, and 777

Unlucky numbers: -7, -77, and -777

P.S. If you are among those who hold doubts as to the nature of the Barnacle's Molluskan heritage, please read this post, and hopefully that should clarify things.