Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 52, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Dan Aykroyd, How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. In a parallel universe you were born as Ernest Hemingway. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A man connected with the number 56 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. On Saturday, the number 88 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take extra special care on Friday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. On Sunday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Avoid the number 57 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Should you wear white on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. In a parallel universe you were born as Henry A. Kissinger. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Bob Hope in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th November 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Thomas Edison and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You are not Alexander Graham Bell, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st November 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Should you wear blue on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Avoid the number 33 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 24 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Beethoven at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 3 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Frank Lloyd Wright a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th November 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as John Lennon and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. On Sunday, the number 20 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 59 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th November 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Monday, the color pink, the number 85 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Weird Al Yankovick, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Vincent Van Gogh, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You are not John Katz, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Margaret Thatcher a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not James Taylor at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Augustus Caesar, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Martin Luther King. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Ray Charles. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 81 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Sunday, the color orange, the number 32 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The number 10 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not George Washington, You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Spider Man a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Valerie Harper, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jane Austen, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 25, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 29 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On Sunday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 11. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Hank Aaron, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 17 feet, but no more than a mile. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th September 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet John F. Kennedy, Jr. and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th September 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A man connected with the number 60 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Julia Child, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 4 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th September 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Valerie Harper. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th September 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color white will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 58, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. The number 95 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.